Let the blood and water flow.

My mother thinks I won't cry. But she's wrong. Grief and pain and sorrow and remorse-- though Christians trust even in the providence and the grace of God in our trials and our sinful choices, the choices are ours nonetheless and they do not leave us better off, as Pastor Paul says.

"Go take some allergy medicine. Your eyes are red and puffy; that's an allergic reaction."

Like the flat tire I received on Friday afternoon, my heart's journey has lagged and I have become lax and the cancers of sin have rebounded and returned--I have become a dog in its vomit. Even the good Lord's law has not restrained me, and the choke collar digs into my skin. How long, O Lord, will You suffer Your servant to wander? Restore me to the joy of Your salvation, Father, and make me keep Your statutes.

I will not neglect the family You have given me, Father, and I will not relapse into the pattern of the bad history of the weak fathers of this house. Make me to follow in the footsteps of my grandfather, who seeks You with his whole heart, and let me worship You with all I do, say, and think. Let me be proactive in my prayers, and let me even be prying in my efforts to love the church. Help me to love my neighbor, Father, as You have placed thousands of them at UC Irvine.

Unsear my conscience, for only Your Spirit can sanctify my withered heart. I must be made whole and washed clean to wash my family's feet, and I must wash my family's feet to present them as servants to the world.

"Remember anniversaries and dates, for your love will resent you if you don't."

Yet I profane Your Sabbaths, Lord, and I do not rest in the remembrance of Your act of undying love as I should!! What is wrong with me? Can I not see Your mercy on display? Do I not hear Your goodness and justice proclaimed weekly? Have I not tasted and seen how beautiful You are? Harbor a proper fear in my heart for Your holy throne, even if that means breaking me in my own Garden of Gethsemane. Let the blood and water flow.

July 24th: The Third Sonday in Prague

7/24/11
This is the third Sunday I have worshiped You in Prague this year, Father! Please bring the Czechs to the churches, and let Your Word be preached.

--Can I ask for more?

July 23rd: Solitary Man

7/23/11
Thank You for bringing the Farniks, Winslows, Scipiones, and Celeste back safely today, Father. I ask that You use us to prepare the road for Team Praha's ministry, through which I will serve Your kingdom. Please guard the Farnik children as they are out and about today, and please make the internet work wholly for Your glory and praise, that all the detailed programs may work properly. Make us humble servants, and remind us that we are loved sons and daughters. But guard my heart, Lord, for I evidently cannot.

--This was the night when Havalind and Autumn revealed how obvious I am about my love, which probably is a good thing, if only a little bit embarrassing.

"I don't know that I will, but until I can find me
the girl that will stay and won't play games behind me
I'll be what I am: a solitary man, a solitary man."

July 22nd: I have made a covenant with my eyes.

7/22/11
Father, please prepare the rest of Team Praha to be ready and willing, in mind and body, to do Your will in spreading the gospel here in the Czech Republic. Keep us all focused on You, Jesus, and Your amazing love.

Thank You for movies and a time to relax and fellowship as a family of believers. Forgive my eyes, Father, and make me pure within.

--I think we were watching "Yes Man."

July 18th: Mitigation

7/18/11
Dear Lord, please make me a wise steward of the church's money, and let me be faithful in keeping a strict expense report. Thank You for my mother's thoughtfulness in packing, and thank You that only the jams were confiscated. Thank You for the morning run with Havalind, and please provide a helper for me. You have given me bad examples to turn away from, but You have also sent Your Son to be the excellent example. Lord, I believe; help my unbelief. Make me humble like the Christ.

7/18/11
Last night's sunset was spectacular, and Your generous beauty awes me. Thank You for my new Czech friends, and thank You for helping me to save money throughout the past year to pay for such expenses as Katka Hartmanova's bowling accident last night. Thank You for saving me from sickness last night, and thank You for the 110 Kc bus ticket. Thank You that my foolish error with stamping the wrong bus fare did not cost me another fine! But thank You also for sending us to rescue the Teahans in their distressful confusion. Thank You for the friends and the conversations we had last night. Please help me and prepare me for many more deep troubles of the soul and for the heavy task of leading young children. Please pull the Pacovsky's hearts to a more biblical and trusting understanding of Your power and majestic sovereignty over all things. Thank You, Father, for loving me and my pitiful love, my skoda laska.

God, You are marvelous. Thank You for giving the Farniks such a strong calling; please strengthen them and do not let them be discouraged.

Spirit, guard my heart from unwanted and improper wanderings, because honestly, I am easily lost. Redeem me daily, and teach me the Truth.

---This was the night when I decided to start spending money. And no, I didn't spend it on beer... that came from my own pocket :)

I miss Havalind and the rest of the Farniks.

July 17th: Advanced Prayers

7/17/11
Father, it has been a busy last couple of days. Please let me recuperate in this week, and make me strong to help guide Team Praha when they arrive and are jetlagged. Please guide my decisions regarding school, and give me wisdom for how to deal with the problems back at home.

How good He has been, in blessing me with heavy responsibilities that I saw and prayed for 2 months in advance! So school started on Thursday, and I still don't have all the books. Oh well.

July 14th: Do Not Rest Yet, Child.

7/14/11
Thank You for helping me last night, Lord. My story is a testimony of Your love, Father; let me never deny or downplay it. You gave me words to speak, to answer Radka's questions. Please work mightily in her heart, and do that necessary heart surgery.

July 13th: Showers of Blessing

7/13/11
Father, though I pray for the class as a whole, each individual student is close to my heart and receives precious prayers.
There are five boys You have given me, and some of them are more eager than others. Samuel and Michael are attentive to the words I speak. Tomas and Janek are much less focused, though they seem to be competent to grasp the message. I pray especially for Martin--Father, he does not speak a word of English and is a distraction in my class. I pray that You would guide his heart, and that Jared would do an extraordinary measure of translation to convey the powerful words of hope. Please open their ears and quiet their hearts to know You, the Creator of diverse languages and all things.
My girls number seven, Father, and they are likewise divided in their attentions. Eliska, Maja, and Monika are quiet and listen to the lessons Mrs. Herrmann prepared and to Your words. Elis, Anne, Kiki, and Honca do not, and do not consider their classmates' attention during our lesson. Help them to know the reason for their English lessons--spurned by our love for You, Lord! Give them the desire to know how "Love saves the day."
Thank You for guarding us and leading us through the skit tonight, Lord. I have much to learn about performance, but let me never grow prideful and forget that Your words are more important than daily bread You provide. Thank You for using my sister, Yun-Soo, to prepare me for the stage act tonight. What a marvelous act of providence! Using multiple blessings at once to drench me with! Please instill true ground in the hearts and minds of the children I teach--let the seed not fall on thorns or rocky paths or thin-faithed dirt. Bring a hundredfold harvest to the Farniks' efforts. Thank You for the rain--it is an occasional pleasure to see Your awesome power of the storm and Your arrows shooting forth. Guide me and guard me with Your rod and staff, and do not let my feet slip. Make me a leader, Father, and let others trust me wholeheartedly. Keep my friends and family safe back at home, and bring Team Praha safely and uneventfully to this mission field. Help my witness to only confirm my life with words of wisdom and love, and draw me to be after Your heart.

July 12th: Reflections on Redemption, part 1

7/12/11
Father, You know how weak I am. But because You know this, You will not give me overwhelming obstacles. Help me to conquer this temptation of apathy and lazyness. There are some temptations within my thoughts that I cannot physically run from, but prepare my feet to run when these temptations arise in the person. Father, I love You.
Father, You have given me a home in Long Beach, California for the past eighteen years, but You have given me a true home, a true hiding place, and peace.
Father, You gave me gardening as a hobby that I have abused and neglected, as many of Your gifts to me. Let me never take the greatest Gift for granted, and weed out the sins and idols from my heart!
Father, You gave me a comforting pet who remembers and forgives me readily, and who listens to my groans, but You are a greater Counselor and Comforter, who truly hears and answers my prayers with love and forgiveness.
Father, I am a true son of Yours because I am like You more and more each day. Thank You for using me to make peace in my family; give me the peace that transcends knowledge.
Father, my grandfather is a picture of Your love. My grandmother also shows me Your love and mercy daily--let me never forsake them as I would never forsake You!
Father, my brother Calvin and cousin Jim are both welcome figures of joy and fellowship in my life--please help me to learn to open up and to help bear their burdens. Let them trust me, because I love You.
Father, my mother is a portrait of Your ever-giving selfless love, even to the point of annoyance. But let Calvin and I never lose sight of that handiwork.
Father, please soften Ryan's heart. He says he attends his church's youth group, but is attendance ever enough? Please bring him to Your arms, because he does not give the appearance of good fruit.

Truly Your word is not biological in nature, for You do not show favoritism to genetics. You designed DNA; You formed us in our mothers' wombs. Truly Your spirit is not confined to a nurturing home in a church-going family--my life is a fine example of the opposite being the case. I will try my best, but help me to refrain from aggressive words to answer folly, and season my words with grace so sinners will turn to You from learning from my words. It is only by the Word that we learn that we need the Savior and that we learn there is hope yet.

---This was the blueprint of my short introduction and testimony given at English Camp 2011 in the Czech Republic.

July 11th: Learn From Me; Turn to Him.

7/11/11
Father, You are gracious beyond measure. Thank You for providing stronger men than I to guide me in my growth, and please make me a strong leader myself so they may learn from me and turn to You. Please help me to sing well in Czech, so I may join the Czech saints in praise, for You are worthy. Give me strength and a clear mind to  teach these children, and to learn some Czech phrases.
"Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD will never count against him." Psalm 32:1-2
Thank You for the nap again, Father, but please quickly revive Your quickening Spirit in me. I cannot do this alone, but I cannot sleep instead of talking with the Czechs. Thank You for the exciting words Julie heard today, and I pray that You send Your Spirit to let Your word excite new hearts of flesh!

---The exciting words Julie heard today... were about inquisitiveness and openness to the gospel! She is a light to her family and her friends, and I pray that her efforts will not be in vain, but would be gracious and enlightening.

In other news, I'm still sick, but I attribute that to my poor sleep schedule. I'll be missing Westminster's evening service today, because my father is here. Why must these two fathers of mine be separated? Why must I be bound to spending time with my father, but not in my Father's house? This is troubling to my soul. And will I ever depart from the trickle-down effects of the sins of my father? Father, make me one of Your sons, and make me follow after the true Son of David, and call me to follow hard after Your heart, and lead me to teach them to learn from me  and turn to You to be saved.

July 10th: More Than Sleep

7/10/11
Father, with age comes a greater reliance on You--to hold my hand, to bring peace and rest as well as energy and wakefulness. Though I am expected to hold unwise hours this week, there are things worth more than sleep, Father, and love is foremost.
Thank You for the encouraging turn-out at the church service today, Father! That the Czechs are willing to enter open doors is a sign of Your work in opening hearts. Please guard our luggage and things, as my friends and I have decided to put our faith in Your physical presence, and not in simple locks. Please bring me peace over grandfather's knife--let its fate not hinder my spirit or dampen my thoughts. You alone know the future and my heart, but Your will be done in my life; blessed is the Name of the Lord. Please bring peace to my family through me. Bless my words with Your grace, Father, that I would abound in love for lost sheep. Please help me to stop cutting myself while shaving.

Thank You, Father, for giving us such provisions as games and sleep, which are indispensable, but must be held in moderation. Please open the eyes and ears of the Czechs to Your word as it reveals Your will and Your saving grace. Unending love; amazing grace! To save a wretch like me? Let me show such beautiful and unconditional and incomprehensible love, Father, as Your child.

July 9th: Casting Pearls Before Sheep and Swine

7/9/11
The campers are arriving today, Lord! And what a camp we have prepared in store for them! Though it is my first time helping, please use me as a torch and a guide, on a mission to rescue those captive to darkness. Breakfast was beautiful.

Thank You Father for the chicken. It was a welcome relief to the pork we've been blessed with. Please drive the demons into the swine once again, and drive the idols from the peoples' hearts. Give them hearts of flesh, Great Physician! Thank You also for the newest members to join the church visible, planted in Modrany. They are women after Your own heart--please give them strength to continue chasing hard after You.

July 8th: The Stomach for the Mantle

7/8/11
The goulash Mrs. Farnik prepared was excellent, and the sour cherry cobbler was a bite of fruited labor. Thank You for the bright and gloomy sunrise; quite the contrast of the first brilliant promising sunrise, and thank You for holding off the rains until we were packing the van. Thank You for seeing us all safely to this hotel, and thank You for preserving the Farnik vehicles thus far. Thank You Jared rejoined us safely (give him more careful judgment!), thank You my luggage was safeguarded, and thank You for the opportunity to serve. Thank You for the food, and as with all other things, give me the will, courage, and strength to stomach the great mantle You charge me with. Make me a faithful steward and servant, for You alone are the Good Master.

July 7th: The Memory of a City That Dwells in Safety

7/7/11
We went into town, Father, and by Your grace, You made me recall some details of the city. Thank You for bringing us home safely yesterday, and for the delicious food that was waiting. Thank You even more for letting me stay at the Farniks' home--this was a very surprising blessing. I did indeed "lay down and sleep, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety" (Psalm 4:8). Your love has overflowed on me, Father. Thank You for the sunrise.

Today You gave me the opportunity to replenish and stock up the supply of bus fares. Thank You, Father, for giving us an affordable means of transportation. Thank You also for weeding out sin from my heart, as I weed out the gardens You give me. You showed me how alike the weeds and the "wheat" look, especially while immature.

--The prayer group is going over Hosea, and we're trying to find the structure of the possible chiasm(s??) in Hosea 1-3. It's going to be interesting, but I wonder why I haven't kept my promise to begin the Bible study in my own home. I truly am not the man of faithful action that I should be.

You know something beautiful? I just now remembered that the Winslows and I left July 5th, the morning right after Independence Day. This means I was doing all my last-minute packing, unnecessary worrying, and fitful resting through the celebrations and fireworks I missed. Powerful object lesson; God wins every time. And mission work is always more important than fireworks, because the celebration is greater when a single soul is brought to salvation than when thirteen colonies declare independence from oppressive rulers. Never forget that, reader.

July 5th - 6th: Airplane blessings, bad movies, and the excess of capitalizing pronouns that stand in for God.

Well, I slacked off even before I started. This is the first installment of my prayers prior to, during, and following my mission trip in the Czech Republic two months ago. I'd meant to start exactly two months (my flight left July 5th), but I messed up. But with the time difference and the jetlag it took the plane and my watch two days to synchronize with the excited rhythm of my restless heart. So! Read on, reader, and soar on eagles' wings in the presence of God's peace.

7/5/11
Today is the first day of my last labor of love away from home, Father. Thank you for providing the funds, preserving my life and health, giving traveling mercies thus far, and especially for the desire to share the life-changing good news--the Your greatest gift of all to men: when Jesus died in our place. It all points back to Your love, Father.

I now kneel before the throne of grace, a wretched man made whole by the King's bloody sacrifice, and I only ask that You keep Your kingdom, Your people, Your love, and Your self always before me, to the point that I physically cannot wake, sleep, breathe, move, or think without first proclaiming "Worthy is the Lamb." Bless Your people now as we strive to speak and live out Your love. Our efforts are in vain if You do not keep watch and build the house for us, over us, and through our work.

I do not regret giving up the beach or the mountains to serve You and the church abroad. This is a fickle thing, but I am weak, Father.
Be Thou my great Father; make me Thy true son.
"I am Yours; save me;" for You sought the precepts I failed to obey.

7/6/11
Father, my watch tells me that this is the second day of my trip. I thank You for providing entertainment in the form of four movies--"Green Hornet," "Just Go With It," "Unknown," and the first bits of "Jane Eyre." Forgive me for not using this time wisely by sleeping, or praying, or studying Your word, or evangelizing.

The spaghetti w/ spinach was scrumptious. Thank You for keeping me hydrated, Father. Abide with me, Spirit; fast falls the eventide.

--The airplane food was actually pretty good. And I was able to have a decent conversation with the stewardesses. And though the Winslows were in a distant zone of the plane, I was never alone.